If you have been following along this pregnancy, you know that our little nugget has been breech the past few weeks. While I have tried all the recommended tricks and tactics to encourage baby to turn around, I have sadly, not been successful. We even agreed to two attempts at an external cephalic version (where the doctor attempts to manually rotate baby from the outside) without success.
The second provider that attempted said, “I have been doing this 30 years and I have never had so much trouble getting a baby to turn”. This just confirmed our likelihood for having our baby via c-section after the first provider who attempted also seemed non-optimistic about baby turning. I am a smaller person and this is my first pregnancy, putting me in a higher risk category for baby to not turn. However, these aren’t the only factors to consider and I have to believe that if this baby doesn’t turn around, it is for a very good reason.
This experience has put me on an emotional roller-coaster. Some days I feel down and cannot pinpoint the reason. I cry. I get angry. I get anxious about meeting our baby. I am excited. I feel overwhelmed. I have so many emotions coursing through my mind and my heart. Some days I am super motivated and productive to accomplish what I can before baby decides to arrive. Other days, I want to sit on my couch reading or watching television to distract myself from the loss that I feel.
It wasn’t until my husband suggested that I am feeling the loss of a vaginal delivery, that I considered it to be a cause of distress. I am so disappointed at times. As things are at this very moment, we will miss out on the middle-of-the-night water-breaking, or contractions starting. I don’t get to give him a surprise call at work telling him that I am in labor. We don’t get to use everything that we prepared to use during labor: the birthing classes, the breathing exercises, the essential oils, the hot shower. We are being forced to miss out in an experience that I didn’t even realize I was so excited about.
I have spent the majority of our pregnancy doing what I can as far as meditation, prenatal care and research to avoid being induced and having a c-section. It is the last thing I wanted. And now, it is the path that we will most likely take.
I am so torn about the entire thing.
Will the c-section be easier since I don’t have to labor?
Am I a bad mom because I think that a c-section may be more simple?
Is there something wrong with me that the baby won’t turn around?
Is something wrong with our baby?
What if missing out on a vaginal delivery changes my perception of mom-hood?
Is it possible that I am not equipped to handle a vaginal birth?
I don’t get to use the birthing ball, stool, water tub, etc. to get through labor.
All of these thoughts.
I think I am finally to the point of being okay with having a c-section. I like “knowing” when the baby will be here….though anything could happen before that date.
My fear now that I have accepted the c-section as the plan, is that baby will decide to turn at the last minute, sending me through another whirl of emotions. It happens. All the time. Babies turn.
Pregnancy has been an incredible emotional process and it is not yet over. Being pregnant has taught me so many things. Mostly, it has taught me that I am no longer in control. I need to have patience, understanding and know that I am a great mom. No matter how our baby gets here, I am great and I am strong enough not only to get through the birthing process, but to move forward afterward. It won’t be easy. But whatever happens, will happen just as it is supposed to.
As I often remind myself: deep breaths, mama.