I spend a lot of time inside my own head. Weighing the pros and cons of decisions, evaluating the most optimal outcome and assessing possible consequences. Looking at the whole picture. From every angle. I think that is the curse of having an analytical and organized personality. I want everything to make sense and be justified. I want supporting evidence. I want to be prepared to defend my position if someone questions my plan.
It is not necessary, but it’s how I work. I have been stressed from time-to-time since the move trying to plan my future with the soon-to-be husband. It was a battle of going for my Doctorate degree, spending a good amount of money on school and potentially not being able to have kiddos for 4 or 5 more years…(ugh…I want kiddos like NOW) and taking a step back and simply applying for a Master’s program. It would cost less money, be shorter in duration and be acceptable for any future job I may apply for. I had many conversations with myself and others trying to reassure my conscience that if I want to be a stay-at-home mom, the most financially logical choice would be to complete my Master’s degree and have kiddos in 2 years at its completion.
I convinced myself a time or two; and then I’d go back to the internal conversation my mind was having about it. what was the better choice?
Well, in the end, I have learned many times that no choice is really the right one. We make choices and life unfolds as a result of those choices, but we adapt. If that choice didn’t work, we back-track and start over. It is like rock-climbing. Sometimes the path I choose isn’t as simple as another path, but it is not impossible and I can always back up and try again.
So I have been doing this dance and letting life happen, waiting for the path of my choosing to feel right. I went to the dentist the other day (yes, this is relevant) and had a wonderful and inspiring conversation with my hygienist. By the end of my appointment, I was confident that the Doctorate program is my calling. I may have kiddos during the program; I may not. I am not putting restrictions on it. If we decide the time is right, we will go for it and make the appropriate choices to adapt to a new lifestyle. I may work less, or not at all. Our budget might shift. I may have less free time. Many things could happen, especially over the course of a year or two, but we will figure it all out and we will be okay. I can’t plan for every possibility in life. All I can do is the best that I can with the information I am given and the feeling in my gut.
I felt relieved the day I made this choice. It is no longer a question. All I had to do was make a choice. I am confident in the choice I made and am excited to continue on this journey of life. It’s gonna be really fun!