This month has challenged my self-esteem more than once. While it would be easy to place the blame on others, the blame should really be placed on myself. Not for feeling low, but for allowing myself to be affected by the energies surrounding me. It seems that there are some low self-esteem triggers dwelling in my past and it is time I face them.
I moved away from my past several years ago; both physically and emotionally. I created separation from what was a toxic environment for me, although I didn’t realize it at the time. As time goes on and the separation lengthens, the harder it has become for me to continue being my current self inside the environment of my past.
I feel anxious and homesick. I feel judged. I feel like instead of asking questions to understand me, I am instead confronted with negative feedback and I feel un-supported.
I don’t think this is necessarily a reflection on my behaviors or the behaviors of those around me. I think it simply seems that we no longer understand each other because of the places we have reached throughout our lives. I am working harder to be myself in front of everyone; to be confident enough in that person to hold true to my beliefs and values. I am working to be the woman who knows how to rise above the negative energy and shed positivity where I land.
The best and most concise way I can state what I have learned is this:
People grow. People change. I am not responsible for other peoples’ attitudes, interests, behaviors, etc. I must accept the people I choose to put myself around for who they are and love them where they are; I must also accept that if they are happy, this is okay and I have no control. Just as others should love me where I am. I must also stay true to myself in spite of the judgment placed on me by others. This is the hardest part.
So this week I have been reminding myself of this:
I love my life and who I have become.
I am blessed and happy.
I am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a friend, a fiancé, a peer.
I am strong and confident.
My smile is contagious and can change the mood in a room.
I am “weird” to some, but inspiring to others.
I yearn for growth and education; and I am proud of that.
I prioritize health and wellness and I do not need to explain myself to people who do not care to listen.
Maybe if I love others where they are, they can begin to love me where I am.
Maybe the judgments will cease and more questions will be asked.
Perhaps minds will open up to acceptance and understanding of the things they fear.
I am me.
And I wouldn’t change a thing.