My Zen · The Mollie Chronicles

Change: An Ever Feared Concept

Falling in line with this post about change, I am doing 2 things completely out of the ordinary for me. 

First, I am writing this post at 1:30 AM. That may seem like a completely normal time for many people. But let’s face it. I am an elderly woman inside and I treasure my sleep. However, I was supposed to work the night shift this evening but was called off. Alas, I sit wide awake in my room while the rest of the house is sound asleep. 

Second, I am writing in pitch blackness. I’d like to say something philosophical about how the darkness allows me to get in touch with my true feelings and expression. The truth is, I am too lazy to get up and turn the light on. This would be a perfect opportunity for a “clap-on” salesperson to convince me to buy one of their lamps.

Anyhow. I am an avoider. I deal with change and stress by generally not facing it head on. Like I am trying to do right now. Even writing about change apparently gives me the heebie-geebies. But honestly, I don’t think its the change itself. For me, it is the fear of making the wrong choice. I am a planner. My day-to-day schedule is usually planned down to the minute. My routine is not consistent, but at least I have it planned. Its a coping mechanism and a comfortable trade-off for my erratic work schedule. I analyze situations in-depth. Trips. School. Jobs. Living Arrangements. Where I will have lunch. I do this because I fear disappointment. I want everything to be in place so the outcome is the satisfying one I had planned.

Who lives like that? 

Trust me. Through years of causing my own disappointment, I have tried changing this trait. It is not easy. Going with the flow is not easy. At least for someone like me. But I have learned that it is better. I cannot always be in control of a situation. Life happens. The world keeps moving around me everyday whether I approve of it or not. I cannot predict the future. I can plan for different scenarios, but there is absolutely no idea of knowing how my day will go until it occurs in real time. 

I recently found out that my immediate surroundings will be changing. I am living with my sister and her family.

They are moving. Out of state. 

I followed her here. 2000 miles from the rest of my family. I was going to find a great nursing job and spend a lot of time with my niece. There was a very real chance that they would be moving in the near future, but I put it on the back burner. It was not part of the immediate plan. 

So I was shocked. 100% supportive. But not taking it well. I could not control that choice. I still can’t. I simply have to learn to cope with it in a healthy way.

It is time for a new plan. Time to decide what is next for me. 

It stresses me out!

Do I want to stay here? Do I want to move? If I move, will I go home? Will I follow my sister? Will I go somewhere new? In that move, will I take a new job? Will I start my Master’s program?

This choice seems like a life-altering moment to me. What if I make the wrong choice? Someone once told me that there are no right or wrong choices. Just the choices we make. Whatever choice I make will lead me to the next phase of my life. It will lead me to new opportunities and new people. I believe that in any situation, challenging yourself with something new is important. What that challenge is, is less important. 

For me, it is time to go back to the basics. What do I want? Am I happy? Where would I be happiest? What are my goals? What things do I want to accomplish in the next few years? Where do I see myself and how am I going to get there? Life will probably take me in a direction that is not part of this exact plan, but it will get me started. 

I will make a choice. I will learn and I will grow. And if I decide that choice is no longer working for me. I have the power to change my choice. I have the power to try again.

That is the beauty of life. If something is not working, we can change it again. So what if I make the “wrong” choice? I can make a different one. There are no rules. No parameters that say I have to stick with one choice for a certain amount of time. I am the only person standing in my way.

So it is time to be a human and adapt.

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