My Zen · The Mollie Chronicles

Being Reactive

I had a moment yesterday when I wanted to cry.

My heart felt a little like it was being crushed. My breathing quickened. And my lips did that thing they do when they are prepping for waterworks.

Not cool.

Especially in front of a new, potentially important person in one’s life that it is far too soon to let one’s guard down in front of. 

I have over-reacted to situations enough to know these are pre-cursor feelings. I have also spent enough time with myself to know that 99% of the time I am reacting to the immediate situation instead of looking at a sequence of events logically.

Everyone has traits about themselves that they may not necessarily be proud of. This is one of mine. Being dramatic. It is a trait that was quite dominant in my late teenage years. I have spent a lot of time working through it and teaching myself how to react to situations differently; in a healthier manner. 

I don’t think I will ever be 100% in control of my emotions. Fact is: I’m a woman. I have a lot hormones. Sometimes they get wacky. I’ve accepted this. 

However, it does seem important to be able to notice. In my yoga classes, the teachers often talk about being “the noticer”. Students are to observe themselves during class. They are not judge their progress of the day. Simply notice if something is off. If a pose could be better. If it hurts. Etc.  The same is true in everyday life.

The first step to changing a trait or a habit is to recognize that it is detrimental in the first place. Without acknowledgement, we can’t fix anything. 

In my time of trying to find myself, I have overanalyzed most of the decisions I have made. Probably too much. But in that I have been able to revisit past interactions. With friends, boyfriends, family, co-workers. I have been able to decipher the actions I take or words I say that have a negative effect on the people around me. 

I have had many situations that end in negativity. In relationships ending. I am not proud of these moments. But they are there for me to learn. They exist to teach me how to be better next time. In respect to this idea, I believe I have made much progress. 

I don’t dwell too much on life’s little hiccups.

I’m working on not reacting negatively to situations I have no control over. 

I know the feelings I have when I am uncomfortable and need to remove myself from a situation in order to assess it rationally. 

So I was quite disappointed when my emotions began to get the best of me. I was proud of myself for recognizing my impending doom of female drama central. That was good. I was able to analyze the situation objectively and present myself in an acceptable manner. 

In my situation, it was all about facts. Taking a step back and looking at the scenario from the outside. 

That helped. But it did not change my estrogen overload. 

I’ve learned in my lifetime that sometimes…one just needs to cry. or scream. or both. 

Some days I simply feel like my estrogen is too high and my Vitamin D is too low. I release emotions in some manner and feel 1000 times better. I don’t get it. But it works. 

In the future maybe I will rationalize with myself prior to a potential situation presenting itself. Maybe not. 

The important thing is to learn. Move forward. And do better next time.

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