What a phrase that I, among many, struggle with.
I am reading a book a friend of mine gave me called, Buddhism Plain and Simple by Steve Hagen. It couldn’t have fallen into my possession at a more perfect time. Something that he stresses is being aware. As is, in his belief, the entire teaching of Buddhism. To not look forward or to the past; To not strive for something bigger or better; To cease the search for a deeper meaning; just to simply exist and be aware. He says we are all capable of it. I haven’t found it. But I think that is the true battle; to be looking for awareness contradicts the true meaning of being aware and simply noticing. Not judging. Not interpreting. ITS HARD!
My yoga teachers preach this as well, as it applies to yoga. To notice if a pose is more difficult, if muscles are more tense, etc. But not to judge myself for it. Just to notice it. Apparently, it also applies to life…which I’m sure was the actual intention of my instructors.
It seems to be human nature to constantly want something better. We have the mentality of “if I just do this, everything will be fine”. For me, its if I just finish my to-do list. But let’s face it…that to-do list is constantly going to grow and my life is going to have passed me by!
I turned 25 yesterday. I have accomplished a lot that I am proud of.
I also spend many days completely stressed out about things that may or may not affect my happiness as a person. I am trying to get away from this mentality…but Hagen says that if we are trying we aren’t truly accomplishing anything. It seems like I will just be running in mental circles. Nevertheless, I will try.
As a direct result of my current solitude, I have had a lot of time with my brain to think and probably over-analyze every situation I encounter. But I am learning.
I am learning about myself. My insecurities. The actions I make without realizing their effect on those around me. I am trying not to judge myself. Just to be better. To be aware. To notice.
It seems to be working. I was recently in a situation that made me uncomfortable. Typically, I would have continued this discomfort in fear of making someone else uncomfortable instead of recognizing my own feelings and being responsible for them. It took me longer than was probably appreciated, but in the end, I took action and changed the situation for myself. I was true to my own needs and my own happiness. I was honest. And it felt better than ignoring my conscious thoughts.
Being in tune with yourself is not easy. I am working on it and I slip a lot of the time, but I am appreciating the time with myself to figure out who I am. To be happy with my life before I find someone to partner with for its remainder.